Christopher Ketcham

freelance writer and author of This Land

In the peculiarly American habit of “going postal” – gunning down fellow citizens randomly – a troubling pattern emerges: the gunmen always and every time shoot the wrong people. An engineer in Orlando, Florida, is let go from the workplace, where he is kind enough to return and shoot six of his former fellow employees. In Binghamton, New York, a laid-off technician from IBM marches into an unemployment center and kills several people who, guess what, are unemployed like him.   In Florida, young Nikolas Cruz kills 17 of his fellow high school students.  All of it very strange – why go after the poor fools stuck in the same lousy conditions?   Consider the DC sniper shootings during 2002.  In what approximated a very American father-son team, the snipers attacked average Washingtonians when perfectly good lobbyists, CEOs, cabinet members, a sitting president, and Congresspeople masquerading as human beings presented a far more compelling target pool than motorists heading home from drone work in the salary prisons.   

The misguidedness in all this is serious, it’s dangerous to the republic – hapless citizens, after all, shouldn’t be gunning down other hapless citizens – and must be addressed.   What we at the Assassination Assistance Helpline (AAH) propose is the creation, through government funding, of AAH call centers nationwide offering guidance, a caring voice, maps, ammunition, and scheduling to would-be nutjobs who are ready to go off the cliff.   Licensed mental health professionals and trained killers at AAH call centers will be on-hand to talk the loon through the crisis, directing him toward preferred targets and away from the average joe.  

Yes, our analysts have found, in hundreds of test sequences for AAH, that crazed gun-nuts on the brink, when given guidance to take out the right people – including, for example, the sociopaths who run the finance industry or loot under the banner of elected officialdom – will take the advice.  They are longing for direction; this is a key component in their psychology.   Here’s a sample conversation from AAH researchers involving an Ohio man who was finally convinced to water-balloon with blood and feces his local legislator (this gentle recourse due to the fact that our permits had yet to be issued for advising for full-on assassinations):

Shooter: I’m…gonna do it.  Gonna take out the whole office.  Last time they do this to me

AAH: Sir, it’s okay.  Hear?  We’re going to talk you through this.  

Shooter: I’m gonna kill ‘em all.

AAH: Well, not all.

Shooter: Not all…

AAH: Some.  

Shooter: (pauses, looks at telephone)…

AAH: It won’t work.  Too many people, not enough bullets.  You have to plan these things.  

Thus is an opening made to re-direct the shooter’s attention away from the fellows at the workplace to, say, his congressperson.   Accessing our Target Informational Databases for known office, home, and vacation sites, commuting and travel patterns, favored bars and restaurants, and other zones of frequentation – a database developed with the help of top Israeli surveillance firms working with the National Security Agency – the AAH correlates the shooters’ location with possible targets. 

Think of it as Match.com for murderers.   If the shooter, say, lives on or near Manhattan, the possibilities exist for taking out a sizable number of the captains of the banking, finance, and insurance sectors.  In an island as blessed as Manhattan with the country’s highest per-acre population of assholes (only Washington DC ranks higher), this would also clear the way for new targets to almost immediately replace the old defunct ones, thus providing an extensive acquisition pool for what our diagnostic data suggest is a growing number of heavily-armed Americans who will be driven bonkers over the next 5 to 10 years.      

In other words, it’s a trend, and we at AAH mean to be on the good side of it.  If you, like most Americans, are tired of going postal on the wrong people, give us a call.